My parents' upstairs TV, a faithful if slightly battered relic of the 80's, finally gives up the ghost. We stand around looking at it, mourning.

"We hardly ever used it," says Mom. Oh no, just every evening for 20-plus years. It's a ritual; first the 6:30 national news, then the 7 p.m. national news, then the tail-end of the PBS news. Even tho neither one of them actually watches the news anymore, they like to have it on before/during/after every dinner.

"Guess it's not worth repairing," Mom concludes. I agree. I am the acknowledged expert on all things electronic in the house. It's time for a new TV.

They don't want to miss any more evenings of not watching the news, so the next morning we bundle into the car. We're going to Target anyway, we'll take a look at their electronics while we're there.

TVs have changed. Dad likes them all. Mom (the decision-maker) has never heard of any of the brands, and thinks they're all ugly. I see a nice 13-inch Toshiba, but she says it's too small. She finally settles on a 20-inch Sanyo.

"It'll never fit in your space," I point out. "The one you have now is 13-14 inches, tops. It just looks bigger because you sit so close to it." She is unconvinced. "Besides, I hafta be able to carry it," I add. She decides she'd rather go to a "real" electronics store, where they have "real" brands.

We go home and measure the old TV. It is 13 inches.

The next day I take them to Best Buy. After a long hike, we find the TVs. Dad likes them all. Mom finds a brand she's heard of. It comes in two colors; I like the golden pewter, Mom likes the silver. The silver one goes home with us.

At home, I take the TV out of the box and set it up. Dad's excited. "Mmmm," goes Mom. "The pewter one would've looked better with our furniture, wouldn't it?"

I prepare to attach the rabbit ears. Ooooops....I KNEW the set-up was going too easy. The rabbit ears have 4 flat leads, which look like this: Y Y Y Y. The TV only accepts co-ax cable, which is shaped like this: O.

"Let's take the TV back," says Dad. "Does this mean we can't have a TV up here anymore?" asks Mom. "Whoa, whoa," sez I, "I'm sure I can get an adaptor. Best Buy will have one."

The next day, we all go back to Best Buy. The clerk is helpful, but he doesn't think they sell adaptors anymore. While we're wandering around looking for one anyway, we happen across some rabbit ears. They're cheap, they're compatible. "Why don't we just buy some new rabbit ears?" I suggest.

Home again, I plug in the rabbit ears and -- whoa, they can't watch THAT. I've seen less snow in a blizzard. "Let's take the TV back," says Dad. "We should've had the old TV repaired," says Mom. "There were other antennas at Best Buy," I say, and take everything apart again.

Another day, another Best Buy. This clerk is clearly bored; why can't I be buying something sexy, like TiVo? I want a "powered" antenna, I say; he points to one, I take it home.

I take the new antenna out of the box. It's bigger, but it's no more "powered" than I am. I hook it up anyway, and it works no better than the other one. "We're not going to be able to have a TV up here anymore, are we?" says Mom. "Let's take the TV back," says Dad. "It's not the TV!" I holler, and to prove it, I lug it into the living room where the stereo is hooked up to the antenna on the roof. I unhook the stereo, hook up the TV, and voila! -- the picture is crystal clear.

"I don't suppose you can just keep it in the living room?" I say, without much hope. Dad is already rearranging the furniture, but Mom (the decision-maker) puts her foot down: "It's ugly." "They had other antennas," I say. Dad wants to know why his stereo has suddenly stopped working.

This time I make SURE I get the powered antenna. The only channel it pulls in clearly is the local Christian station. "I didn't even know there was one," says Mom. Dad wants to take the TV back.

We stand there looking at the new TV, perplexed. Mom wants to know if we can run the antenna wire thru the wall and into the dining room. "You'd have to hire someone, that's beyond me." She doesn't want to spend the money. "Let's take the TV back," says Dad. "Look, let me go back to Plan A," sez I, "I'll get an adaptor and hook it up to the old rabbit ears."

One visit to the hardware store later, and I finally have adaptor in hand. I screw the four Y Y Y Y leads into one end, turn the TV around and... the plug for the co-ax cable is recessed into a little hole on the back of the TV. The adaptor is too big to fit into the hole.

"I'm hooking it to the antenna on the roof," I announce, firmly. Another trip, this time to Circuit City to get a signal splitter and some extra co-ax cable. I get the signal splitter home, unscrew the existing co-ax cable ... and discover that the plug in the wall and the one on the splitter are both female. They can't mate. I have a brainstorm, unscrew the wall plate, unscrew the female end sticking out of the wall, and lo and behold, there's the male end hiding under there.

The stereo works, the TV works, there's a co-ax cable running along the floorboards from one room to the other, cleverly hidden by a potted plant. The TV is now on the opposite side of the room from the old one; the first night, I rearrange all the seating so everyone can watch while they eat. The next night, Mom and Dad are sitting in their old places, with their backs to the TV. "I guess it's just habit, hon," says Mom when I point this out. "It's alright; we don't really watch it anyway."

Moral: Progress, schmogress. Give me a competent repairman.

Next: Medical Mysteries